A Fine Line

It’s almost March. Thank goodness it’s another month with a holiday, otherwise what would we do with a classroom of kids and no X-Box? In case you haven’t noticed, over the years schools have become quite a conduit for preserving our traditional (yet as it turns out pretty un-American) holidays in the minds of future revelers and consumers. Not until I started to research origins did I find their historical significance fascinating and hilarious. With the exception of April Fool’s Day, which celebrates harassment, we ought to do away completely with holiday hopping as curriculum design.

Halloween, as you all know, is a cocktail of pagan and Christian traditions and cultures. Treats were bribes to keep former, now dead, tenants out of your house or “pay for pray” type deals that encouraged tricksters to give away perfectly good, home made cake for a prayer sent up on your behalf. This was called “souling”.  I’m pretty sure there was a lot of laughter coming from the mouths full of cake just weaseled out of good-hearted, guilt ridden homemakers. The natural and supernatural combined for one special night, like Cinderella. This has morphed over the years into our pop-culture, corporate freak show preceding the "ask a stranger for candy" gorge fest. Explain that to first graders.

Thanksgiving forces us to give thanks to, I assume, God. We never say that in public school, of course, but it is implied much like, “Do you like your new haircut?” implies that the inquirer certainly doesn’t. So far, we’re two for two in the non-separation of church and state holiday tally.

December and Easter are hidden in the terms “Winter and Spring Break “about as effectively as a five year old disappears behind his hands while insisting you can’t see him. Four for four.

February and March bring us the parade of saints. Priests seem to do particularly well during this time of year. Valentine and Patrick. Sounds like a law firm. We wear symbols of the trinity (which you may remember from Sunday school) and have little kids look for leprechauns (short guys who live alone, wear leather and supposedly make shoes). That’s six.

I must say the two holidays I would vote to maintain are April Fool’s Day, which basically mocks people for not keeping up with the news, and May Day, which of course, encourages mindless dance around a huge phallic symbol. In schools, however, we just stick to the basket of flowers hanging on the doorknob part. Teaching about holidays in historical terms would just take all the fun out it.

If we have to go down our list of special days in order to know what to teach, let’s do it with days that aren’t so British Isley. Let’s stick to American holidays that don’t offend anyone. Holidays we can all relate to and rally round, sans the pole. For example, the celebration of the mattress on President’s Day and red, white and blue corn chips on the 4^th of July. We could throw hamburgers at each other on National Fast Food Day and celebrate American baseball by wearing versions of the beer can hat with rubber tubing that when dried forms the letters U-S-A. We don’t need those old, dated, depressing foreign holidays anymore.

Say, did you know that March is National Macular Degeneration Month?

This is the time of year parents begin to think about September. No, really. Classroom observations become part of the mind boggling thought that goes into gearing up for the annual classroom pupil placement marathon. People start talking over the snow covered fences about who they think the good teachers are and believe me, everybody loves somebody. You can hear it at Market Day, Brownies, soccer, swim meets and school hallways. If there’s skinny to get, this is the time of year to look for it.

Which teacher is right? Is he nice, creative, no-nonsense, organized, frazzled, easy going, obsessive/compulsive, field tripping, spontaneous, rigid, far out, homeworky or lenient? Is she known as a marker downer for late assignments, good communicator, or trouser crease ironer? Which ones want parents in the room and which try to trick them by closing the door and turning out the lights at 3:05? Who are the belly laughers and who are the original members of the Don’t Smile Until November Club?

While there is no way to absolutely guarantee a specific teacher for your child, there are “wink-wink, nod-nod” requests granted all the time in every school in America, except in Shorewood. Some parents want all their offspring to go through exactly the same series of teachers, some insist that they want or don’t want their child with another child, some have undiagnosed adult issues and some are based on inexplicable variables. In sealed white envelopes and closed classrooms the squeaky wheels are greased. These deals are done while the starving bashful are at home, trying to get up the nerve to request anything. That’s not fair, one might say and I agree; but I do have a plan.

I’m proposing the launch of ParentTeacherMatch.com. All teachers would be required to have their photos posted, along with in depth profiles detailing accomplishments, degrees, certifications, awards, recognitions, participation ribbons, headache potential and references from his or her past three secretaries and school custodians. Along with this would be a 5 star rating feedback system so parents could get back at or reward past teachers. On the flip side, parents’ photos would be posted as well, along with information about homework return rate, turnaround time for field trip permission slips, need for reminders, complaint frequency, ability to stir up controversy, attendance at PTO meetings, average compliment-to-teacher rate, and quality of birthday treats.

So off we would all go to our keyboards. In a matter of seconds decisions would be made. None of this sitting around tables and social engineering. We'd have only to step back and let Cupid's hard drive take over. Think about it. We would find the match of our dreams and all of us would think we were happy! Things would finally be equal. Or if not equal, at least they would be fair. Well if not fair, at least it would be over with.

If you’re new to Shorewood, you don’t know how good we used to have it. She was a nurturer and nothing proved it more than the way her arms would wrap around us on the day of a big storm. She patted our heads as if to say, “Don’t worry about shoveling, sweetie, I’ll take care of it.” And she did.

One minute you couldn’t tell where the sidewalks were, the next minute they were clear down to their mother breaking cracks. Block after block of ninety-degree angled virgin snow edging, right up to the grass. It was a beautiful sight. We got the red carpet treatment and felt special to live here. More importantly, we had something that everyone else wanted.

I’m not sure what happened, but if we voted on this I’d bet my shovel that the ballot box was full of responses from non-arthritic people under 50 and over 5’0” with snow blowers, kids out of diapers or the formerly proud owners of SUVs equipped with front-side intimidation plows. My brother used to have one and got absolutely giddy every time snow started to accumulate. He took great pleasure in patrolling the streets just looking for people who needed help with clearing snow. He’d even help people who didn’t want help! I haven’t run into that yet, but it‘s still February.

So if we have to clear our own walks lets set some ground rules:

or a least,

After all, we’ve lost our mother…

It was shocking when it happened for the first time in over a decade last month. Shocking news again yesterday, but today when I heard Shorewood Schools were closed,  I just shook my head. Now what have they done? Things aren’t supposed to change that fast. The policy we’ve all become comfortable with was set in stone, just the way we like it. Shorewood never has snow days. Leave earlier and step higher. Too cold? Bring a sweater and wear woolies.

Sitting here at home with my legs wrapped around the space heater I certainly agree with the decision to close schools. It just threw me.

I like days off as much as the next person, but what starts out as sheer joy at first, turns on the conscientious worker after serendipity leaves the room. Guilt becomes the 2AM cop, banging at the door of your Superbowl party. Each unproductive hour that passes just emboldens the albatross already living on your shoulder. You really ought to get off the couch and get some housework done. You’ve been needing to fold clothes for a week. You really should do some schoolwork. Maybe you should even make your way over to school and work in the classroom so you’re not feeling overwhelmed when the kids come back. After all, time is the lover all teachers long for. It’s what we obsess about and complain for lack of. It’s tempting…

But not to worry, fellow teachers. There will be more days like this. There will be thunder and hailstorms in Spring, extreme dark in Fall and blazing heat as we move in on summer. I hope when we are rounding our classroom temperatures off to 100 come June and September, we’ll be able to take solace in the knowledge that weather extremes will not be ignored.

I love winter.

If you‘re trying to learn to be more assertive, watch the pros. Kids put up with nothing. They twist, turn, whine and beg in category five. They pop-vein scream as they roll back and forth across the floor, squashing our facial and verbal admonishments like flames on burning clothes. Then the little manipulators look up to see if anyone has noticed. It must feel wonderful.

Kids state their needs loud and often. They have to go to the bathroom and everybody knows. Need a drink? Somebody had better take them. They are bored, so get them out or else. They know they’ve got us, and that as children they have the luxury of acting infantile. They can get away with tugging and pulling, crying or stomping and there’s nothing we adults can do about it. When they are shushed after repeating, “I’m thirsty!” about a million times, they point to their tongues and pantomime dying in the desert, sliding down their mother’s legs as they transition to the ankle clamp. They want attention, and 9 out of 10 times they get it. Those lucky stiffs.

When was the last time you got to stomp around yelling, “IT’S NOT FAIR!“ How long has it been since you told someone he was a stupid doo-doo head? We adults have been domesticated. We take all that wonderful raw emotion and furiously type it into memos, editorials, and blogs. We follow protocol and wait our turns, while mumbling under our breath. We’ve learned to delay gratification to the point of actually putting our hopes of it in karma and reincarnation.

In a world that can be extremely frustrating, it’s probably just as well.

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.“

Woodrow Wilson obviously didn’t live in Shorewood because as hard as change can be, we have some excellent agents for it right here. Through the efforts of Shorewood educators and administrators, there has been a forward moving conversation about our schools, our families and our futures.

Atwater and Lake Bluff schools have had multiage (mixed grade) programs since 2000. Each has met with sustained success, living up to the already existing high standards Shorewood has enjoyed for years. Recently, a group of Lake Bluff staff members formed an exploratory committee to gather information about continuing their multiage program as a charter. The Lake Bluff Multiage School would remain part of Lake Bluff School and, of course, part of Shorewood Schools. Although the system has had multiage classrooms for seven years, the possibility of changing a status to charter stirred up some understandable and probably necessary angst. Change has a way of doing that.

In attempts to control rumors, provide information and educate about the legal and political procedures involved, Lake Bluff‘s principal has done a remarkable job making the process one that is systematic, transparent, manageable and open to all. Angst took a deep breath, impatience settled down, and the two engaged in conversation. It wasn’t always pretty, but it was a beautiful thing. What started out as a possible wedgie in the pants of change ended up in what could be offered as a 500 level course on how to initiate it. Through a series of idea exchanges, speaking and informational sessions, all involved have increased their understandings of what form a second district charter school might take.

Over many months, parents and teachers of single grade and multiage students, along with district and school administrators were able to come to the table and with fair amounts of give and take, a newly released amalgam document was created. Although in rough draft form and still evolving, this initial blueprint answers the what, why and how about the proposed school. The text is woven in such a way that you can actually see the children in the school this group envisions. If pages had tacks, these would be brass. It will be months before final decisions are made regarding this charter, but either way and no matter what the outcome, some very good things have happened.

Well done, Shorewood.