This is the time of year parents begin to think about September. No, really. Classroom observations become part of the mind boggling thought that goes into gearing up for the annual classroom pupil placement marathon. People start talking over the snow covered fences about who they think the good teachers are and believe me, everybody loves somebody. You can hear it at Market Day, Brownies, soccer, swim meets and school hallways. If there’s skinny to get, this is the time of year to look for it.
Which teacher is right? Is he nice, creative, no-nonsense, organized, frazzled, easy going, obsessive/compulsive, field tripping, spontaneous, rigid, far out, homeworky or lenient? Is she known as a marker downer for late assignments, good communicator, or trouser crease ironer? Which ones want parents in the room and which try to trick them by closing the door and turning out the lights at 3:05? Who are the belly laughers and who are the original members of the Don’t Smile Until November Club?
While there is no way to absolutely guarantee a specific teacher for your child, there are “wink-wink, nod-nod” requests granted all the time in every school in America, except in Shorewood. Some parents want all their offspring to go through exactly the same series of teachers, some insist that they want or don’t want their child with another child, some have undiagnosed adult issues and some are based on inexplicable variables. In sealed white envelopes and closed classrooms the squeaky wheels are greased. These deals are done while the starving bashful are at home, trying to get up the nerve to request anything. That’s not fair, one might say and I agree; but I do have a plan.
I’m proposing the launch of ParentTeacherMatch.com. All teachers would be required to have their photos posted, along with in depth profiles detailing accomplishments, degrees, certifications, awards, recognitions, participation ribbons, headache potential and references from his or her past three secretaries and school custodians. Along with this would be a 5 star rating feedback system so parents could get back at or reward past teachers. On the flip side, parents’ photos would be posted as well, along with information about homework return rate, turnaround time for field trip permission slips, need for reminders, complaint frequency, ability to stir up controversy, attendance at PTO meetings, average compliment-to-teacher rate, and quality of birthday treats.
So off we would all go to our keyboards. In a matter of seconds decisions would be made. None of this sitting around tables and social engineering. We'd have only to step back and let Cupid's hard drive take over. Think about it. We would find the match of our dreams and all of us would think we were happy! Things would finally be equal. Or if not equal, at least they would be fair. Well if not fair, at least it would be over with.
