A Fine Line

It is early. Really early but Bob Villa has been up for hours. He doesn’t sleep. He home improves and mows. He’s your neighbor and he is ready to go. He’s chomping at the bit with one hand on the power sander and the other on the Lawn Boy. The grass has grown overnight and it’s already 7:45.

He has a brand new riding mower. Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed in the city. We don’t need them. Most of our lawns are big enough to cut with a good old fashioned push mower a teenager and a twenty dollar bill. This goes for me too. A huge, noisy machine is excessive, like buying a snowplow to clear the parking slab behind the condo. Get a shovel.

There are probably few readers who haven’t awakened to the noise of the home repair zealot but look, not everyone is a morning person. Maybe if it were just one guy it wouldn’t be so bad, but the dull, steady rumble that comes out of this village every weekend sounds like the love child of two Harley motorcycles. Five minutes don’t go by without sound. When Bob Villa stops to the south Martha Stewart starts up to the north. Then one by one, up and down the block machines power and fire up at regular intervals beginning at seven and ending at sunset. Mower, sander, trimmer, whacker, mower, saw, blower, nailer --all to the score of a too loud a.m. radio.

So sleepers-in unite. Organize and push for the No Mow Noise bill. It would make the mowing of lawns, trimming of bushes and the operation of any motorized or hydraulic tools illegal except between the hours of 2-4PM on Saturdays. Two hours a week is enough. With only two hours of legal power tool time, families will have more quality time together, marriages will be strengthened, children will get to know their parents. People caught motorized before or after these specified hours three times in one summer will be forced to seek counseling to discover what it is they are running from.

Support the Noise No Mow bill. All you have to lose is sleep.

In fall, we are all excited and committed to the education of our children. The clothes are new, paper crisp, pocket folders stiff and the school year's resolutions in place. We swear to do better jobs teaching, administrating and child rearing. Parents vow to make nutritious snacks every day, get field trip slips and money in on time, stick to a homework schedule and control quality like airport screeners control liquids.

Then something happens. The year begins; orientation and open house come and go and we realize our kids aren't going to be thrown out of school or flunk that year's grade level. It's almost Thanksgiving and the sailing is smooth. Teachers know what happens then. Things get a little loosey goosey. The assignments due on Tuesday come dribbling in on Thursday or Friday if at all. Kids say they're too busy, or had a sporting event; their sister had a dance recital or they had one of the hundreds of lessons they'll take and drop before 8th grade. Some do admit they tried doing homework while eating their pop-tarts or on the way to school in the car, but that overdue library book is still at grandma's. Oops.

Elementary school parents should be given the option of designating their homes as homework or homework free zones. This could be renewed every time the report card comes out as reality and schedules dictate. (Hmmm...that might work for car insurance, bike, dog and marriage license renewals too.) It could be referred to as the "Stuff Happens" clause.

If we give parents the choice about homework, they wouldn't have to feel guilty or obligated to fib, kids wouldn't have to suffer embarrassment, teachers won't have to feel frustrated, unsupported or ticked off. We understand that homework issues can ruin and even deny good family life. With parents working as much as they do, the value of homework needs to be weighed against other things of value. We've created an image of homework, and attributed power to homework that just doesn't exist. It's like the bagel, supposedly carrying the face of Jesus. Some people see it, some believe it to be true and bid high. Others just spread the butter and cream cheese and open wide. Unless your child is working fo points, money, food, pellets, ribbons or love, homework assignments don't offer many dividends. Sorry.

If you believe it's doing some good for you or for your child, great. Sign on, but then follow through. Look it over before it comes back to school and make sure it gets done on time. If you want your young child doing homework then remember your part in the deal. Little kids need gentle guidance. Try not to screw things up like teaching them block printing when the school uses D'Nealian or showing them how you do math when it bears little resemblance to what is being taught in class. Don't send them in with written assignments that you obviously did for them. Yes, we can tell.

If homework is an intrusion in your family life or causing stress and a newfound proclivity to swear, it's not worh it. Opt out. Really, most teachers won't mind at all. It will make life easier and most early childhood educators assign it just because the parents want it, anyway.

Think about what drives your need for homework. If it is to keep your child busy or give him something to do while your other child is doing homework, please just say no. If it's to free up time to prepare dinner or get some me time, fair enough. You can buy workbooks in just about any store, and many of them are really, really thick.

Time to rethink the value of homework to kids who not too long ago just gave up their sippy cups. People say it's good to establish a routine, develop study skills, get disciplined and establish a respectable work ethic. Yeah, okay. But there are other ways to do this. Self-discipline is about attitude and commitment. This can be carried through with the lessons, practices and extra curricular activities they are already engaged in. If you must have twelve hour a day school, teach your child how to memorize, read for meaning, write for many purposes, re-read, spot mistakes, listen and give feedback. Model reading at home, measuring, counting money, sorting and solving problems. These things come as a natural part of daily life. They're not thrown through the front window tied to bricks.

For young children and for their teachers, there just isn't enough bang for the homework buck to make the hassles worth it. When you meet your child's teacher in fall think about requesting the Stuff Happens Clause. See what the response is. You may be surprised. But don't decide now. Take the summer to think it over.

That's your homework.

Okay, we need to rethink children’s awards ceremonies. They’re messing up kids’ notions of what constitutes entitlement. After three decades of these things, it’s time to speak out.

1. Awards ceremonies shouldn’t start until middle school. Before that, kids just love learning new things and doing stuff to please parents and teachers. We actually do a disservice when we break the news to kids for the first time that there is definition to what they have to do to be extra special.

2. Awards shouldn’t be given for one shot deals unless the word “meet” comes after it.

3. Awards shouldn’t be denied people for stuff they just naturally suck at but other people can do. These might include awards for singing, curling your tongue, floating or belching the alphabet.

4. Awards shouldn’t be given to children who were forced to do the thing they get the award for. These are called assignments. If we're going to award kids who only participated because they had to, the award should be called the “Compliance Award” and children should be forced to come up and get it.

5. Awards should not be given to kids whose parents did all the work. Sorry kids, but you just have to get better at telling your parents to keep their hands off your projects. Do it sensitively because they mean well; they don't realize that they are totally screwing things up for you.

6. Awards should not be given for attendance or promptness. Especially in elementary school, children have no control over when their parents get going, shovel out the driveway or get lunches made and handed out. They can’t help it if the car breaks down or they get hives, the measles or lice. I’m not sure who should get awards for attendance except Lady Luck, maybe. That one I just don’t get.

7. Lastly, awards should be taken away right after they are handed out so the experience is lifelike. We should all remember that success is a temporary state, superiority is in the mind of the beholder, and when “the extra mile” is defined it no longer exists.

Oh, and losers…I know you’re constantly told that if you work hard, you too will get an award someday. That’s not really true.

So what.