A Fine Line

Wanna see something funny? Try reenacting a state of the union address with 6 and 7 year olds. One person gets to be president and the rest are split into the democrats, the republicans, members of the supreme court and then the kids who don’ t ever want to do anything get to be the press and sit cross legged on the floor with construction paper press passes. We make an aisle and the kid who is always shushed for talking too loudly gets to yell, “Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.“ One side of the aisle bursts into loud, low politician’s “HOOAs” while the other stands and claps politely. Members of both sides stretch to the aisle to shake the hand of someone most either can’t stand or someone they think has screwed up the party for the next generation. Everyone smiles, glad hands and back slaps until the only kid who can be responsible with a hammer slams it down a few times on top of the dictionary. The crowd quiets. Hammer girl introduces the president again, in case people came in late, and the place erupts again. It’s hard to teach kids how to look like they just came from a couple Manhattans, but we just tell them to act a tiny bit silly. The quiet kid Supreme Court just sits down and shuts up.

The president hands copies of his speech to the VP and Speaker of the House and begins to speak. He says everything’s hunky dory and half the room rises as though they’ve all been stung in the ass at the same time. The other side, with one limp hand, hits their thighs or their clenched fists so disgust is mixed with a bit of etiquette.

Every three sentences, that same half of the room leaps up and yells, the other sits and looks disengaged. Whenever the military is mentioned the whole room has to stand and clap, looking very serious. Children are reminded to stand every time and nod a lot with a sullen face when military families are acknowledged. Kids are prompted to stand and yell when tax cuts, pork barrels, bridges to nowhere and No Child Left Behind are leaned forward and growled out.

Just before recess, we signal the president to wrap it up, turn around and shake the hands of the VP and Speaker and then to take a leisurely stroll down the aisle, autographing copies of speeches that will be on Ebay by 11PM. Everyone tells him what a great speech it was until they get to the corridors for interviews from the press and pundits. Then they burst out laughing and open with something like, “What world is this guy living in?” They proceed to list all the failures left unmentioned and suggest some fact checks might be in order.

The kids practically run over that kid as they forget what just happened and run out to play. Well done class, well done.

So kids, what have we learned so far about how to become the president? Hillary says she has learned that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Always wear black pants and no one will notice after awhile and be yourself, unless of course that’s not working. She adds that even though she knows every issue inside and out, the smartest kid in the class doesn’t always get to go to prom. What’s that? She says she’s figured out that you can’t step into the same river twice. The Changemobile has no reverse.

Barack says he’s learned that the hypothalamus reacts pretty well to the word hope when followed by a rousing chorus of, Yes we can!“ He understands now that the political machine runs on gas and hot air. He warns that the high road can be the road to nowhere if you’re not armed and ready. He jokes that he should have paid more attention in Spanish class. California nods.

John tells us the lesson he’s learning is that poor people may not have a car or the time to vote in primary elections no matter how much they may like him. He says he is still motivated to speak for others as long as he breathes or until he becomes attorney general. He loves it when the other two argue because it makes people forget about his haircut and actually take him seriously when he admonishes them and takes away their allowance for a week.

Mitt teaches that if you take off your jacket and roll up your white sleeves it doesn’t seem like a stiff white shirt anymore. It brings him down to our level and the little people fall for it every time. He says if you look at the world like one big Olympic Village, the job is more manageable if you don’t count immigration, the war, the environment and healthcare. He knows that people will overlook his Mormonism. What an optimist. He has high hopes that Liz Cheney will add a much needed lift to his campaign although he admits it’s a relief she’s not the lesbian one.

John says you are all his friends, and with due respect he asks your permission to give you some straight talk. He thanks you for your support and hopes he gets your vote. He promises to try to control his temper although he sure as hell is going to speak up if he doesn’t agree with what the wrong people say. He has learned that the better his wife looks, the cooler he looks. He says the bus isn’t so bad as long as you have a friend like Joe Lieberman with you.

Rudy and Mike didn’t feel like interviewing for this blog. They said they are busy trying to pick up the shattered pieces of their campaigns and figuring out how to bow out with a little bit of face left to shave.

Good luck on the trail, folks. We’ll see you next Tuesday.

Did you ever notice that little kids can go for hours with snot hanging from their noses and not even notice it? They get so focused on activity they don’t even stop long enough to bend an arm, put nose to the fold and carry out a fairly hygienic sleeve sneeze when one is called for. No, they just look forward, release their wet, nasty germs like face geysers and proceed to touch all the books, pencils, toys, doorknobs, teachers and friends they can get their hands on.

Early childhood education doesn’t prepare us for winter in the Midwest. You’ve probably never seen a child sitting palm to face, taking a big lick and then running that palm over his nose to the top of his head. Oh, yes. It does happen. It happens as the child right next to him is pretending to look at something on the floor, picking his nose under a cupped hand thinking nobody knows that he’s actually picking his nose. If he doesn’t look at us, we can’t see him.

An article in the Journal/Sentinel this morning urges parents to teach children good snot etiquette and implores us to keep children’s hands clean. This poses a particular problem in schools with 16 sinks for 600 kids. There is no soundproofing, of course, so if there are more than about 2 kids in the bathroom at one time, a staff member ends up kicking them out because they’re too loud. We would have 36 kids at each pedestal with the charge of coming out with clean hands in about 5 minutes. That gives them about 8 seconds apiece to stretch over the sink, figure out how to turn the water on, push the soap dispenser, rub their hands together as they sing the ABC Song, rinse, dry and get back to class. When I went to visit Japanese schools, I was distractingly fascinated with their 20’ long sinks, with water flow available for about 15 kids at a time. These were not in the bathrooms, these were along the halls. Very efficient.

Some may be wondering why the hand sanitizer thing doesn’t work. Have you ever seen a six year old with a bottle of liquid soap? They are more interested in watching the liquid streaming out than in getting a workable amount of dollop. Left to their own, kids use about ¼ of a bottle at a time, hold up their shiny slick hands while the sanitizer drips onto the tables, books and carpeting as they tromp through the room in their boots. If teachers do it for them, they aren’t available to help kids with the long list of needs they seem to come up with just before the lunch bell rings.

So folks please, tell your kids that if they lick their lips and it doesn’t feel like lip they should get a tissue and then throw said tissue away instead of leaving it on the tabletop. Teach them that when they are talking to someone and they have to sneeze, they need to change aim. There is no early childhood teacher alive who has not had his or her face completely sprayed with the sneeze of an oblivious student. If you want to be sure your kids wash hands before eating, you may want to give them those packaged hand wipes that rib places hand out. They love opening the things, unfolding and wiping their hands with them. Marketers ought to run with this attraction and start printing jokes or putting cartoon characters in the middle of the towel that disappear as the child wipes. When the image is gone, hands are clean. Why doesn’t anybody ask us? Another idea would be to have a big tank of soapy water in the cafeteria. Kids go in and get to put each hand in to reach the bottom of the tank. Small plastic prizes will be there as incentive, or maybe quarters depending on what school district you’re in. Bottom line is, adults, we’re in this alone. The kids just don’t care.

Little snots.

Dear Washington,

Thank you so very much for the possible $600.00 in attempts to stimulate me to buy. Although the reason I owe so much money now is that I’ve an internal shop stimulus already, the thought is nice. You may want to know, however, that it’s hard to decide what to do with it. It’s a gift card to a really, really big store. Maybe all of us here in Shorewood who qualify for the money should go out to dinner and lift a glass to our too rich neighbors who didn‘t qualify. Or…we could pool our money and hire back some of the support people the schools have lost to budget cuts. We could get back full time librarians in our elementary schools so children can actually learn how to use them. How about an art teacher at one school instead of having to go back and forth between two rooms, two schools, two staffs and two groups of over 600 kids? We can pool our $600 or $1200 and get social workers in the schools or how about full time psychologists? You know, we have full time needs. Or even better, we could get a restaurant or pro shop built over at the high school for the tens of thousands of people who will be attending the games once the field and bleachers and domed.

Maybe I should think smaller and take care of my own problems. Maybe I should make a payment on my roof, car, or credit card bill. I’m starting to realize how hard some people have it. Trying to decide how to spend money isn’t as easy as one might think. I’d like to help you by spending this money, Mr. Bush, but I can’t go buy stuff and look my lenders in the eyes. If I use this money for myself, it will have to be for the interest on the debt I’ve piled up. Needing to be stimulated to spend beyond my means hasn’t really been a struggle. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but unless you’re going to give me $600 every month, don’t tease.

Most Sincerely,

Those Making Under $75,000

Okay, so here’s what we do. You know how nuts people go over football, right? Well I think with enough good old smoke and mirror television, we could actually convince people that the campaign is just an extension of the race to what we can bill as Superbowl B. Pundits are always bemoaning the fact that young people get all razzed up when they’re at rallys but sleep in on the day of the election. We can keep not only college kids interested, but sports fans invested as well. Think of all the stuff people know about individual players and teams. If they could know even half of that about the presidential candidates, people might actually vote on more than who they’d want to tailgate with.

Here’s how we do it. We hand over the name “Patriots” to the Dems. They’ve been hit hard on whether they are or not this past seven years. That means the Republicans will be now named the “Giants”, as in elephants are big. Independents will have to be some subgroup like the WNBA or something. In effect, we know they exist, but no one knows or cares much about them. The campaign workers can be like the cheerleaders, except with uniforms from Land's End or LLBean. The coaches are the spouses. They tell the candidates which moves to make, when to blitz, which spikes to wear, and whether to go with sleeves or no sleeves or in Romney’s case tie or no tie. Stay with me now.

So far the score is Patriots 22, Giants 66. Sounds like a blowout, but that Michigan game was only played with one team. An over 60 game season takes more than a year, so there’s plenty of time to get those foam donkey and elephant hats made. The top tier candidates will be allowed to choose a number, other than 4 or 80 so we can spot them on the fields. Jerseys can be made in High School Home Ec. Classes and sold through Schwartz bookstore and The Anabe Tea Room. Remember, whoever reaches 2025 points for the Patriots or 1191 for the Giants wins the whole enchilada, so to speak, and America loves a winner. Sorry Fred.

So get your otherwise disinterested friends, relatives and students revved up. Plan those primary day tailgate parties. Now that football season is over for us, we need some reason to get together and scream at the 52” HDTV we bought for the other Superbowl. This idea can work with some good marketing. America loves a good knock down drag out fight over something, even if it is formal debate. Oh, the official snack food of Superbowl B?

Guacamole with black and blue chips.

When people are part of a losing team they get reflective and philosophical. What else can we do when Eli Manning turns out to be the winning quarterback? Although our first impulse may be to retire Brett or get some lavender oil for Al Harris, the fact is we lost. We lost and our children are watching.

Now is the time to talk up Brett for his passion and love of the game. He shows what dedication is and that no matter the age, one can lead a contributory life. After all, people, the Packers were 14 and 4 when all was said and done!

Now is the time to credit the winners for being lucky and tipping your hat to people who handled the 3^rd down as though it was the one before the 4^th.

Now is the time to teach your children about dressing for the weather. The no sleeve decision didn’t work out so well, did it?

Now is the time to acknowledge the kicker, Tynes, who tried to give us the game with his two screw ups. We thank him for the attempt, but maybe next time.

Now is the time to talk to your kids about the detrimental effects of taunting, teasing and acting like a complete jerk, the way Plaxico Burress did. Oh wait…he had a great day.

Now is the time to tell your kids not to show up at an Ice Bowl in yellow bikinis the way the Bikini girls did, although they were on national television and probably didn‘t pay for beer all night.

Now is the time to show what unconditional love of your team is, even though you lost a bet for $200.00 to the big mouth friend of yours from the big, stupid apple.

Now is the time to teach your kids the power of something to look forward to.

Things to remember when watching the Packer playoff game with kids around:

1. Remember to use substitute curse words when the ref screws up a call. Words like fudge, heck, gosh, darn, donkey and fiddlesticks may not express what you want to say, but won’t land your kid in the office when he repeats it next week during recess.

2. Use commercial breaks and half time to acknowledge the existence of your offspring. That little nod of recognition will remind your child that you love them as much as you love Donald Driver and Brett Favre.

3. Try not to throw food at the television. Kids face consequences for flea flicking a school lunch hot dog in the cafeteria. Set a good example.

4. Don’t yell at your loved ones to bring you another beer. Sneak into the kitchen and get one when the kids are otherwise occupied. Put the cans in paper bags before tossing them into the recycling bin so you don’t embarrass them with “Can Mountain” when their friends come over to pick them up for school on Tuesday.

5. Try to get at least one non-football related chore done by pre-game. It shows you have a great work ethic and will immediately transfer to your children who will rush to their rooms to fold their clothes.

6. Don’t sit with the nachos directly in your lap. Your children learn proper manners from you. Put them on the floor next to your La-Z-boy, so other people know they can have some too.

7. Try not to get so drunk that you are hanging on the necks of your neighbors and friends. Kids try that at school and they get stern reminders to keep their hands to themselves.

8. If the Packers lose, don’t hide your tears. It’s good for children to see you letting your feelings show. Sob into pillows or couch cushions so children learn that although it’s okay to cry, but it’s not okay to wake up the people who passed out all around you.

9. Be a good winner. If the Packers win, try not to email, call or text message everyone you know who supported New York, no matter how strong the urge. Be dignified. Go right to their homes and keep ringing the doorbell until they are forced to let you in. Run around their house, smiling and hugging everyone, even the pets and then run out again. This will be extremely annoying and make your point beautifully without verbal taunting.

10. Go back home and explain to your kids that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. The most important thing is to have fun. Now, uncross your fingers and bask in the glow of good parenting.

Go Pack.

Well, that was interesting. I just finished checking to see how much more or less money all my colleagues are making compared to me. This led me to make snap judgments about whether or not they deserved it and determine how much I should resent them if they made more. I thought about how early each arrived, how much they contributed to the district in labor or intellect, how dedicated I thought they were, and then it spiraled even lower from there (although that doesn't seem possible). I was much more likely to become a team player when I was ignorant of what others earned. Now I can’t unsee the wages of those people who earn more than I for whatever reason. Oddly, I was happier with my pay before I saw this darn public revelation. While I think some are getting way more than they deserve, relatively, I don't necessarily whine for more. Being brought up in a middle class, with northern European roots I’m very satisfied with my salary, and live with the constant understanding that I don’t deserve it and I’m just lucky to be working at all.

I also wonder why some of our teachers with great ideas, sincere dedication, great innovation and enthusiasm are offered so little when they sign on. Although I don’t agree with merit pay per se, I don’t think that sitting in the same lunchroom spot every day for 30 years makes you deserving of more pay than someone so new that they didn't know there was a seating chart. No wonder people leave the teaching field.

I know that because our pay is related to taxes and schools supported by the community, we seem like special cases but I don't know where to find the wages of the bagger down the street who smashed my bread and let me take  two eggs home that were already broken. I'm not sure how much my doctor makes. It's not posted under his installation of diplomas. I've been under his knife twice now and still have the same problem I went to him for. Maybe it's related to his salary, although he does have monograms on his sleeves that match his real initials.

 Maybe Shorewood should post everyone’s pay stub on this website or gross income could be printed in the yearly phone book right underneath individual names and addresses. Think about what a difference maker that would be! We would have to change our opinions about people immediately. The nice people would seem even nicer if we discovered they make six digits and the first one isn’t a 1. How would our brains wrap around the ideas of people who seem to operate just fine on less than a living wage? Even the term “living wage” seems to imply that any amount under that number brings only death.

I’m not sure we all deserve the same pay. There are clearly variances. Just as students aren’t all the same, either are all teachers. I think the guy across the hall should get more money than I because he’s much more on top of technology. He is the one who sets up, trouble shoots and instructs the rest of us on something we should be able to do on our own if we think we’re so smart. Maybe pay should be on a sliding scale, changing bi-monthly as it reflects our worth and contribution during that pay period. We can collect points, stickers or good notes from the principal who will keep track of the best and the rest.

I see why merit pay is such a complicated issue.

So if you want to feel what public employees feel, put a yard sign up in front of your house with your wages on it. I can guarantee you will feel something.

Ways to save money in America’s schools that are guaranteed to make just about everybody mad at me:

1. Update drama departments. Productions can be student written, produced, directed, scored and costumed. This would be a very popular English class, I would predict, especially if screenplays and television scriptwriting were included. Production has taken on a new look since Cats first came out, as has scoring and notions of costuming. The creativity in production many times shows itself most in the minimal ways sets are made, costumes suggested and mood created. Even if plays are in one act, they can be the result of some real learning and application students will own. We don’t need to do another Cabaret, Oklahoma or other productions loved by grandparents everywhere. The important aspect of these old plays (and there are many) can be discussed in class after viewing them on DVD, downloading them onto cell phones or renting them from Netflix. Unless history classes are learning about the past through drama, there is no need for these kids to have their words replaced by those of others. It would be like learning to be a chef by serving up food some other chef prepared. So there. We’ve saved lots of money paying for overtime, costuming and materials.

2. Discontinue free music lessons. Music is valued by American parents, as is performance. Most wanting their children to learn and instrument would be willing to pay for private or class lessons somewhere else. The cost of staff to teach lessons to all students translates to quite a few dollars that could be pumped into the community to musicians who, unless they are married to breadwinners, need to take on extra work. Performance groups could be maintained and led by teachers, but would take on different forms and require only rehearsals before the final concert. Students unable to afford lessons would be subsudized through funds raised by the school community sales of pizza, candy bars or wrapping paper as well as a never ending effort to collect millions of milk caps, barcodes and food labels.

3. Take out all copy machines. Money would be better spent making a big sum purchase of classroom computers and white boards. Students work is captured and held in the hard drive and can be printed or not, depending on usage. The amount of money saved on paper, time, and machine maintenance could be used to pay for field trips. Overdue book reminders can be posted online, as can registration forms, notices, field trip information, permission slips, sign ups for teams or clubs and information about upcoming events. Parents without computers will be taught how to use the computers in our labs so they can pick up information at school, or in libraries near their homes. Paper is old news. We need to pull the plug.

4. Discontinue business offices and give staff members their own accounts to purchase needed items for their schools or classrooms. All transactions would have to be done online, so a record would be accessible to all. No matter what the subject, the same amount of money would be split evenly and when it‘s gone it‘s gone. Even though High School teachers think they need more than primary teachers do, they’re wrong. One efficient Type A accountant could monitor four schools as a part time job.

5. Stop purchasing things from School Supply catalogs. They are ridiculously overpriced. Give teachers a budget to spend for furniture and supplies and materials at resale shops, Goodwills, St. Vincent DePaul, EBay and yard sales. Teachers who don’t like interior design will be able to give their funds to those of us who love this stuff. This would also cut the cost involved in recycling the hundreds of pounds of catalogs received throughout the year, lugged out of the office and hauled away by people paid to haul away crap we don’t even look at anyway.

I’m loaded with ideas like these. While even I don’t agree with most of them, the point I am trying to make is that there are ways to be great schools without having to repeat the past. We get so tied to what we've always done that we panic when there is not enough money to keep things that way. It may be hindering some really creative thinking. We need to think not only outside the box, but invite students to jump up and down on the box we adults cling to until it is flat enough to be recycled. Maybe the idea of “change” that is crossing the country is inspiring me, or maybe I'm just trying to avoid house cleaning. I know we need it, though. Young parents are looking to the future. We can't just keep trying to keep things the same in a world with schools that are already leaving us behind, looking back and shouting, “Eat my dust!"

Apparently, the power of a woman’s tear has been underestimated. How many times did you see the video of Hillary Clinton having what some pundits are calling “an emotional moment”? How many times did you hear the words “attack ad” or “ganging up on” during this past month? I wonder how all of this is perceived by our children. Girls hear skepticism about whether Clinton’s tears were real, or just an award winning performance. Watch where, when, and how you cry girls; it will be psychoanalyzed. Sleep deprivation, exhaustion, emotional strain and the constant pressure of having to raise money doesn‘t count. You’re not supposed to feel that. Or are you? When I saw that Hillary Clinton cried in public my first reaction was, “Oh no, Hillary. That will be the end of you.” I’ve experienced being told I was too sensitive when I cried, being told “don’t cry” when under strain or crying into pillows so other people wouldn’t hear me. I thought it was a bad thing for us women.

So how did these tears turn out to be a good thing? They showed a softer, human and authentic side? What about actions that speak even louder? Trying to obtain health care for children doesn’t show a human side? Working to assist returning members of the military doesn’t reveal sympathy? Shielding her daughter from the canine teeth of the press for two decades wasn’t nurturing or from the heart? What does it take for someone to prove he or she is human?

I’m having tear duct problems so constantly look as though I am on the verge of “an emotional moment”. I’ll be misjudged for the rest of my life, I suppose. Apparently, I’ll be able to get away with anything. Or nothing.

I’m astounded at the press and strategists putting quite so much stock in the fact that Hillary did something human. Perhaps they might look a bit further at why women voted for her rather than the fact that they felt sorry for her. Sorry? I think the frustration and emotional fatigue we saw at that luncheon was a reflection of the expressions on many women’s faces or the expressions they are hiding just under their efficient surfaces. When Hillary was met with signs men held reading “Iron My Shirt” it was a slap in the face heard by many women who have been derided, humiliated and seen as cute when they tried to do something powerful.

What do our children learn from this? I don’t know, but it is worth a conversation. Did the press reveal something about the remaining image of women? They’re either weak or faking. Are women all just little girls who pour on the tears when they want a new Barbie or to be president? What about Romney’s tears (three times in the past month) when asked about his religion? Were those fake too? Why didn’t we see that video loop over and over again for days after? What do the guys have to do to prove they are really human, or really robo?

We are beginning to teach our students about how a president is elected in the United States. Frankly, I don’t even know what to tell them.

Remember when you took your driver’s test? You got the booklet for the written part, memorized the laws, had your friends quiz you and went into that test feeling very confident that you had done all you could do to pass it. You knew what was expected of you, how to answer and knew the onus was completely on you. The second part was a performance assessment, the actual driving test. This required prior tutelage of a family member, friend, or driver's ed. grand pubah who had many years of experience preparing students to pass this very driving test. You've been taught...for the test.

You show up on your 16th birthday and the tester leads you out to the back of the building parking lot. You look around for the testing cars but there are none. Right in front of you with the driver’s side door swung open is a shiny, new 18 wheeler.

“Get in,” he smirks.

“But I’ve never driven one of THESE before! I've never been closer than 6 car lengths away from one of those things.”

“Heh, heh, heh. (Gottcha).”

Not teaching for the test seems pretty darn stupid unless you’re talking about blood or urine. Often, teachers are looked down upon when they advocate teaching for "the" test. We are expected to teach for the spelling test, the math test, and every other subject area test, but ironically, we're warned that we'd better not teach for the mother of all tests. Standardized ones. Turn this around and imagine Friday spelling tests being made up of words your child has never seen before, but did learn some kinda like them once.

Many have opted to teach for testing instead; teach children tricks to help them become better deductive reasoners, interpreters and guessers. So some of us take precious class time to teach testing techniques all the way down to how to fill in the circle with your number 2 pencil just perfectly. Don’t spend time on what you don’t know, skip it or write an answer for every problem and cross out those you know you don’t know. Press hard enough, don’t go out of the oval line or the answer won’t register and above all else, re-check your work. To be fair, children should spend at least 2 months learning the ins and outs of taking a high stakes test. That’s a lot of time to take out of the year to prepare kids to take tests that don’t serve them or their teachers.  

Certainly there are many ways for students to solve problems and that should be part of a good education, but they deserve to know that what they and their teachers will be judged on is getting the right answers fast. Kids who consider many angles and possibilities, don't look forward to these things. They think too much.

If schools were faces they would be talking out of both sides of their mouths. On one hand, our education experts, consultants, professors and national councils insist that children need to be given time to develop, to construct knowledge in multiple groupings and through real world experience. They should be able to problem solve in a variety of ways. They can show what they know about something in a variety of applications, rather than simply being able to extract game show facts. Politicians look to test scores, to numbers, to data. They could give a rat's assessment how kids learn the stuff. They just have to learn it and test well on it. That's proof enough for some of what the kids "know". 

Teaching for life’s tests would mean teaching students to apply suspected learned skills by using them to actually do something. Spelling, for example, would be assessed as it appears in stories, journals or reports. It is much easier to grade multiple choice, fill in the blank or yes/no questions but many times there really IS multiple choice if you're encouraged to think long enough.

So schools want upper crust learning but are forced to express its effectiveness through low level testing. If “teach for the test” means simply teach what will be tested, we should all be for it. If we know kids are expected to connect a picture of a coffee cup with that of a saucer don’t we owe it to them to show up with fancy china once in awhile?

O Yes      O No