Imagine you are standing in front of a group of peers, trying to explain something about the tax code or Village parking regulations. During your presentation you become distracted by the sound of ripping paper or fabric of some kind. You turn and ask, “What is that?” and watch the group turn to look at the guy in the back of the room opening and closing the Velcro bands on his running shoes, attempting to get just the perfect fit. Rip, tighten, rip, tighten, rip tighten. He is so distracted by the sound and action that it is apparent he jumped off your message train many stops ago. He notices it is dead quiet in the room and looks up. Hands go back on his lap and publicly shamed eyes are back on you as he pretends you are fascinating once again.
You continue on and when you turn to write on the board hear laughing. A seed from an open milkweed pod has been caught by a burst of air and is flying around the crowd just out of reach of the arms and hands attempting to capture it. Your audience has clearly noticed that if they try to grab the floating seed, the stirred air just pushes it up and moves it along even further. People reach so high, their bare stomachs are showing. The scene resembles that of a stadium wave and now only a couple over achievers are still listening.
Decorum is established after a bit and you move along after restating the last five minutes of your presentation in a long drawn-out sigh. As you speak you notice one guy sitting with his legs pulled up on the chair covered by an overstretched t-shirt sucking on his now almost unrecognizable neckband. He was, apparently, going at it for quite awhile as a spit soaked discoloration bib has clearly formed. A couple rows behind him, there is your neighbor who has curiously tied both her shoes together and with every tug tightens the knot of eventual embarrassment and teasing.
Again, you continue with your explanation when you notice one of the listeners rocking back and forth and side to side. “What's wrong?” you inquire. He springs to his feet, stands in front of you hopping up and down grabbing himself as you signal him to get to the men's room before you find yourself having to search through the bag of extra clothes for a pair of pants that might fit him well enough to last the rest of the evening.
Back to your talk; about four minutes into the resumption you now are distracted by two women. One is sitting behind the other, moving hand over hand, braiding the hair of her best friend as you try to stick to message, emphasizing the importance of keeping the even sides of the streets cleared for village workers so they can plow in the end of your driveway during the night.
As you parents of kindergarten students read this, please consider what you can do to really prepare your child for the educational setting they are about become a part of in fall. Find or invent silent Velcro for the shoes. Get your child to focus on coloring while you toss a bunch of ping pong balls around the living room and see if she can ignore them. Buy a wardrobe of waterproof or quick dry shirts and cut all hair too short to wrap around a finger. Start having recess at home and require your child to go to the bathroom only during that time. Jumping and grabbing is absolutely forbidden. It would help us teachers a lot. This is advice you won’t hear from anyone but me.
You’re welcome.
