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Like many Americans, I’ve been pondering lately which breed of dog is best
suited to be our next Vice President. Such a relief that we’ve gotten over the sex thing and
established that traits in the breeding
and character, not gender, suit one to be the President’s first loyal companion.
You may agree with the Republicans that
it’s the Pit Bull. But I’m not so sure that’s the best breed for the job. One of our first visits to the libertarian dog park on the County Grounds, a
pair of Irish Setter-colored half-Pits took my dog down viciously while their
owners ignored them, so I’m prejudiced. I guess I should be prejudiced against the handlers, but it's the dogs that did the damage.
By the way, the real name for the Pit Bull is American Staffordshire Terrier. But that sounds sort of delicate and China dog, not at all the image Pit Bull owners claim. Which is sort of confusing, when you think about it. Do you want us to think your dog is dangerous or not? Make up your minds!
Pit Bull fanciers will tell you we’ve
been fed a lot of hockey puck-y about the breed and we shouldn’t believe their
reputation. And that is really good advice: don’t believe everything you believe. I went right to the American Kennel Club to get the facts:
The APBT (American Pit Bull Terrier, another name for the breed)
is a strong-willed, sturdy companion. It is a breed that is loyal to friends
and family, and friendly to strangers. With guidance from its handlers, APBTs
are obedient and show a high desire to please. However, when left without
direction they can become stubborn and may become aggressive.
In fact, the breed has a better dependability temperament rating than Golden
Retrievers: knock me over with a rolling tackle behind the knees (a technique
known to both breeds). Still, you have
to be careful.
(They ) have a lot of energy and high prey drive;
they need exercise and stimulation in order to channel their energy properly
and not become frustrated, bored, and destructive and often display dog
aggression, especially towards unfamiliar dogs of the same sex or level of
assertiveness.
That’s what I’m talking about: that is one high maintenance kind of dog.
Personally, I think the perfect breed for Vice President is a yellow- or
even a blue-dog, American-bred Mutt, like my dog. Idgy, Australian
Shepherd-Blue Heeler-Something with a Big Nose that Points, has all the
qualities Americans seem to want in a Vice President, without the tendency to
get bored and chew off the cupboard doors or someone's hand that feeds it.
She’s very pretty, a great hunter who can field dress her quarry
without knives, helicopters, or
high-powered artillery. Even better, she eschews exotic and endangered species,
focusing on the common garden pest chipmunk or bunny and doing a community
service in the process. She has some hobbies you and I might find unattractive,
but what dog doesn’t? And as to her personal life, she said you should mind
your own business but there’s not a hint of scandal. I happen to know that’s a
lie, and I know where the bones are buried.
What matters is that she’s a diplomat. Every pack is her pack, and she gets
things done. She’s calm and loyal, unless there is food to be had or a goose to
chase, and then she’s only fickle for a moment. She stands her ground but
doesn’t attack first.. And she always tells the truth, except that one time. . .
When it comes to being vice president, all I can say about your Pit Bull is,
that dog don’t hunt. But mine do.
If you’re still debating the virtues of the Pit Bull as Vice President,
though, a little information to guide your thinking from the Missouri Pit Bull
Rescue:
PIT BULLS NEED STRUCTURE
Pit Bulls are
strong willed dogs, bred for their determination and tenacity. They need
confident and positive leadership, as well as a structured environment. Without
it they might soon be running the show in your home and become more problems
than fun.
PIT BULLS CAN BE POOR GUARD DOGS
Don't count on a
Pit Bull to guard your house or property or you might be disappointed. Pit
Bulls were not bred for protection. While your Pit Bull may defend you if your
life is in danger, chances are a normal Pit Bull would welcome just about
anyone in your home like a long lost friend...
IF YOU NEED PROTECTION, GET AN ALARM SYSTEM
We don't think dogs
should have the responsibility of judging a situation and making a decision
based on our human concepts of right and wrong. In fact, we believe that as the
"leader" of the pack, it is our responsibility to protect our dogs,
not the other way around.
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IF YOU WANT
A FUN-LOVING AND ENTHUSIASTIC PAL, EAGER AND WILLING TO FOLLOW YOU IN YOUR
WILDEST ADVENTURES, GET A PIT BULL. Nuff said!
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